Hanging Up the Cape

Seven weeks. It has been seven weeks since I last spoke to you. Seven weeks since I last attempted to write my thoughts. I have spent those weeks thinking, working things out in my mind, and just trying to figure it all out. And now, with the end of 2012 comes the end of my silence as well.

I am Batman.

I am sure that comes as a shock to most of you. It was a shock to me. Even I did not know. But to some of you, you saw this coming. You knew exactly who I was this whole time, even if I did not. It was brought to my attention several weeks ago. And since then, silence. I did not want to believe it. But now I have come to realize there has never been a truer statement made about my life.

Batman wears a mask. He hides in the shadows. He keeps people at an arms distance. They may know of him, but they do not know him. No one knows who Batman really is. He does not let them. He shows no emotion. He disappears the moment someone’s back is turned.

And even when he is not wearing the mask, he is still pretending. He pretends to have a normal life. He pretends to let people in. But they still don’t know who he really is. No one knows both sides of Batman. They hardly even know one.

I look at that picture of Batman and I see the way I have been living for a while. I have friends. I have people who I hang out with and talk to occasionally. But I think often about how shallow those relationships are; I think about how they do not really know me. They do not know me because I do not let them.

I do not show myself to many people. I keep my thoughts to myself. Often times I even keep all my words to myself and do not say anything. If I am hurting, I try not to show it. If I need help, I do not ask. I do not let people in. I do not let people get close. I keep them all at an arms distance.

Why? Because I am afraid.

I am afraid of what they will say. I am afraid of what they will think. I am afraid of what they will tell other people. I am afraid most of all that I will open up, let them really know me, trust them completely, and then they will leave.

Now, after my few weeks of silence, my few weeks of patiently reflecting, I know that I cannot wear the mask forever. I am tired. That mask brings nothing but loneliness. I cannot let my fears control my life. I know one day I will need to build deeper relationships. I will need to learn to trust. One day I will need to stop being Batman.

That day is today.